


You're Not Going Anywhere

by ficmesenseless



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, F/F, Mental Health Issues, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Notes, soccercop - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-20
Updated: 2015-08-20
Packaged: 2018-04-16 08:32:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4618599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ficmesenseless/pseuds/ficmesenseless
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if Alison found out about Beth's plans to commit suicide and proceeds to kick the living shite out of her?</p>
            </blockquote>





	You're Not Going Anywhere

**Author's Note:**

> Rated M for drug abuse and suicidal thoughts.
> 
> Trigger warnings: Graphic descriptions of severe depression and suicide attempts.

Beth Childs glanced at the clock on her phone.

 

_06:59_

 

That would mean she had had about seven hours of sleep but she didn't feel well-rested at all. She kept on waking up every hour. She hated this. Sleep was the one thing she looked most forward to in the day. It was when she was able to escape this shithole of the world she had been living in. Unfortunately, her brain chemistry had not been allowing Beth any of that luxury for the past few months.

 

Insomnia was something Beth was used to. She knew it came hand in hand with the all the mental illnesses she had. Usually, she'd give up trying to sleep and do whatever police work she had been working on, or she'd just pop a couple of sleeping pills - the latter being her preferred go-to lately. Also this time, Beth wasn't capable of doing the former even if she wanted to. She had been suspended. _Maggie Chen._

 

Beth's first thought upon seeing the time of the clock was dread. Dread because there was no point in lying in bed trying to catch some sleep at this hour. Dread upon realising she's made it to a new day. Dread upon realising that she has another nightmare of a day to live through.

 

Then, came the loathing. The loathing for still being alive and being a burden to everyone. Beth had royally fucked up. The Proletheans had found her and despite Beth being a seasoned detective she wasn't able to protect her other clones. She had been trying to contact Danielle Fournier and Katja Obinger and warn them but she was too late. They had been killed and Beth knows that she is next. Beth doesn't mind being killed. Truth be told, she wants to be killed, but if they get to Beth, they'll get to Alison, and then Cosima and Beth hated herself in every living moment for that.

 

Somewhere along the way, guilt would come. Guilt for not being able to do anything anymore. Guilt for whatever she has done and whatever that she has not done. Guilt for just being Beth. Guilt on behalf of everyone whom was unfortunate enough to know Beth Childs.

 

Beth closed her eyes but everything seemed to be hitting her again at full force. The shooting - she had killed an "innocent" civilian and brought shame to the police department. A hearing would be commencing soon and Beth really wasn't looking forward to it. She should be preparing her statement defending her "innocence" but she can't really give a fuck at this moment. Beth felt filthy from the killing but she had no choice. Maggie Chen was feeding information about the whereabouts of clones to some assassin. She had to be stopped. Along the way, Art also got dragged into this shit by planting a phone on Maggie to help turn the circumstances in Beth's favour. Tears start prickling Beth's eyes at the thought. Art was a perfectly nice guy whom had always been there for Beth. He shouldn't have to risk his ass trying to help Beth. Why was Beth such a trouble to everyone whom she met?

 

Then, there was Paul. She found out he was her monitor and she was being used all this while. For awhile, she even thought that she loved him but when the news came that he was her monitor, Beth wasn't too upset anymore. She immediately broke up with him, happy to have one less problem without him in her life.

 

She wasn't upset because along the way, she had fallen in love with Alison Hendrix. Stick-up-the-ass Alison. Beautiful, loving, cute, lovely Alison. Beth didn't plan for any of this. She didn't plan to fall for the way Alison's eyes lit up whenever they saw Beth. She didn't plan to fall for that smile that Alison seemed to only reserve for Beth. She didn't plan to fall for the way Alison's kisses and touches could instantly pull Beth out of that dark place in her mind. She didn't plan to fall for Alison's routines and schedules, nor her weird little crafts, or her musical soundtracks which Beth pretends to hate but finds herself listening to when Alison is not around. She planned for none of this but if there's one thing Beth knows, it's that everything always seems to fuck Beth in the ass so of course, she had to fall in love with this perfect, _married clone_.

 

Beth hates herself for it. For being the homewrecker. She knows Alison loves her as well but Beth can't help but to be consumed by the guilt for being the "other one". Alison can't leave Donnie because of Beth. No, that would be unfair to Donnie but how her heart screamed for Alison to finally be hers. Alison was the sole cause for Beth to continue living in this shitstorm even when Beth had really just wanted to call it quits and end everything. Beth still needed to protect Alison. For a minute, when Beth was with Alison and could finally experience peace and happiness after being deprived of it for too long, Beth had actually thought that things would get better and she would find a way out of this shithole. But then, time would pass and they soon had to part and the reality of everything would hit her and she just wanted to throw herself in front of a car.

 

Beth knew her head was more fucked up than it had ever been in her life. Previously, her dark thoughts were interspersed with thoughts of work, life, relationships and other trivial things. But it gradually came to just dark thoughts and Alison - but Beth didn't really mind at all, because she still had Alison. Now, however, there didn't seem to be much except for darker and darker thoughts with a constant plea for this to end because the pain is getting too much for Beth to bear.

 

 _Beep._ A text message had arrived.

 

_Beth, are you okay? I haven't heard from you in awhile. Call me when you see this. I miss you. x_

 

There was this tiny little place in Beth's heart that was still capable of happy emotions and it immediately warmed up upon the sight of the text.

 

Beth had been avoiding Alison for a couple of weeks now. Each time Alison called, Beth gave an excuse about being too caught up with work, even though she had already been suspended. Beth didn't deserve Alison. Alison shouldn't have to deal with the mess that is Beth. Alison had enough on her plate already and Beth didn't need to add to that. Beth was an adult and should be able to deal with her problems on her own. Also, the more Beth sees Alison, the stronger her heart yearns for Alison. So strong that it hurts but Beth can't do anything about it - because Donnie got there first.

 

With that thought, an idea suddenly pops into Beth's mind and for the first time in ages, Beth had something to do asides from lying in bed, crying and wanting to die.

 

\--

 

Alison glanced at the clock on her phone for the billionth time.

 

_21:19_

 

It has been about fourteen hours since Alison last texted Beth. Alison knew Beth was probably busy with work, but she couldn't help it. It has been about two weeks since she last saw Beth and Alison really missed her. Alison didn't want to be in the way of Beth's work, but Beth always made time to see Alison no matter how busy she was. Plus, Alison had important news to tell Beth - she had finally asked Donnie for a divorce and have him move out. She was finally going to have the chance to properly be with Beth. No more sneaking around, no more secret meetings in the car or the basement. She could finally be with Beth the way Beth deserved. Now, if only Beth would pick up the goddamn phone.

 

_Is Beth avoiding me?_

_Did something happen to Beth?_

 

Alison tried to shake off those thoughts and took another gulp from her glass of wine. It didn't really help except to make more ideas - that Alison had been trying hard not to think about - pop up in her mind and that's when she decided that she had had enough. She was going to pay Beth a visit, her work be damned.

 

\--

 

When Alison reached Beth's house, she noticed that Beth's car wasn't parked in its usual place. Alison concluded that Beth was indeed at work but decided to drop-in anyway. Alison knew where Beth hid her spare key and she could help clean Beth's place while waiting for her to come back.

 

Alison fished out Beth's spare key from its hiding place and unlocked the door. Before Alison even turned on the lights, she could already feel that something was amiss.

 

Alison flicked the nearest switch, illuminating the corridor and that's when Alison saw it - empty wine and beer bottles strewn everywhere, and at least one bottle of pills in every room.

 

Alison's heart started beating erratically, her mind starting to worry. _What had Beth gotten herself into? Why hadn't Alison known before? All those missed calls and ignored texts… was Beth even at work now?_

 

Alison immediately went to Beth's room. There were more bottles and empty pill bottles in there. She tried to look for anything that could give a clue as to what Beth had been up to for the past two weeks. She searched around only to find more pill bottles and prescription receipts. Yes, Alison was definitely going to have a word with Beth. Alison was trying her hardest to stay calm. Not wanting to put Beth's disappearance and all the booze and pills to form the worst of conclusions. Alison always jumped to conclusions but she was not going to do it this time. No, she will not have any of it. Beth had told Alison she loved her. There was no way Beth was going to do this to Alison. There was no way she was going to leave Alison like that. Alison wiped away the tears that betrayed her attempts to keep her emotions under control. No, there must be something. Alison needed to find something that implied that Beth was okay. _Please._

 

Alison made her way to the kitchen and that's when she spotted Beth's laptop sitting on the counter. It was on and Alison breathed a sigh of relief. It meant that Beth had been here today and hadn't been - Alison avoided using that horrible word, the one that began with a 'd' and rhymed with 'bed' - for the past two weeks.

 

Her sense of relief didn't last long when she moved the mouse to reveal what Beth was doing on her computer before she left home. Her Web browser was open with a train timetable at Huxley station and there was also a window of an open Word document, lines neatly typed out, unfinished:

 

_ Ali _

_Hey 'burbs. I know you hate it when I call you that but I can't help it. I love getting you worked up. And I also love you. Every inch of you with every fibre of my being. I am truly sorry for having to leave. You see, I don't deserve you. Someone has been assassinating us genetic identicals (I'm going to humour you by not using the C-word) and I was too late to save Danielle and Katja. They're coming for me next and if they get to me they'll get to you and Cosima. I effed up with Danielle and Katja, I can't eff up again and let them get to you. Please understand._

_I am a moronic butthole for things to have fudged up this badly where the only thing left that I can do is to off myself. Please do not feel guilty because this is entirely my decision. I would have done this a long time ago had I not met you. I actually fell in love with you the first time that we met. You were on my mind every minute of every day - and you still are, by the way. But somewhere along the way, I lost my mind and everything became hell. But when I was with you, everything seemed to feel better and for a minute I could step out of the darkness. Then we'd part and hell would come crashing down again. I'm messed up beyond repair now and I can't love you the way you deserve to be loved. Filuenfaiunclsiuf oirt 4ncaijf sjfdca dfu sdfg hslg hsfdlgk hslkj slg hsldifg hsidugfh alkuhg aiu hglreuhg qruh calimca;xijf a;I ja jlrhglegnlsjfknc xreu g alrenjcouhgrfeijgdklsejhw erujcf weriufn liregflriefcgwuregregfugufuwoei qurewfh qouhf qliuh qlruh ckfcrwecmaoijrnvmcgure_

 

_ Cosima _

_Sdfkjhuwerh48u5nc9q438umqcoweurcmxonhfcsljkxaoiewrcu_

_ Art _

_Hey, dipshit. If you ever do read this, please know that I'm terribly sorry and ashamed. Sorry for being such a crap partner all this while. Sorry for messing with your Oreos with toothpaste. Sorry for being a selfish asshole and leaving everything behind. I lost my mind. I didn't know when that happened but it hurts so bad and I'm so, so tired and I can't seem to find myself again. If I off myself, please know that at that moment, it really wasn't Beth thinking anymore. Sorry once again and may the force be with you, dipshit._

 

 

Alison couldn't stop her sobs anymore. She could no longer be in denial. She had finally found out the truth behind what was going on and she wanted to scream, shout, do anything to get to Beth now, stop whatever she was doing, slap the living shit out of her and also kiss the living shit out of her before it was too late.

 

"Fudgefudgefudge", Alison sobbed as she fumbled for her phone, hands shaking, tears running as she speed-dialed Beth's number, praying to the heavens that Beth was okay and alive.

 

\--

 

Beth had initially wanted to work on her statement regarding Maggie Chen's shooting but when she opened the Word document up, those feelings of dread, loathing and guilt washed over her again and in that moment, Beth decided enough was enough. She could either get her shit together, get reinstated and try to stop that psycho clone killer, or if she was really that useless, off herself before psycho clone killer got to Alison and Cosima. But in the flurry of the whirlwind of emotions, the latter seemed to be the only thing that Beth could do to save the situation. So in what was supposed to be a statement defending herself against the killing of a civilian turned into a statement of last words for her loved ones.

  
She wrote Art's first and that came out effortlessly. She then wanted to do Alison's because she had the most to say to Alison and she wanted to make sure her last words could accurately portray what she was feeling but amidst the darkness in her mind, the booze and the pills, it all seemed to read like crap and Beth slammed her fingers on random keys in frustration. She guessed that it was better to work on this when she was in a better state of mind.

 

Beth popped a couple more pills to calm herself down and that's when Beth had another idea - she needed to find a way to off herself. She has been resisting the urge to throw herself in front of a car each time she crosses the road for as long as she can remember. Maybe this time she finally won't need to hold back and Beth suddenly gets another idea. What about trains? Huxley Station, maybe? That was the closest station from her place. At that moment, in the haze of her mind, it seemed like a great idea and Beth went to look up the train schedules at Huxley Station. She wasn't going to do it today. She still needed to tie up loose-ends and finish her suicide notes but her mind was a huge mess right now and she needed to go somewhere. Huxley Station would be the perfect place. She could scout the area before committing to the decision and just chill in peace knowing that her time was coming soon.

 

And that was how Beth came to be sitting on a bench at Huxley Station watching the trains go by, glitched out, not knowing for how long she had been there. It felt good seeing something that wasn't the ceiling of her bedroom and for a moment, Beth could try to forget about the shithole that is her life. Beth closed her eyes and let her head sway to the meddling of the drugs in her system, trying to disengage with reality.

 

But of course, that meant that it was the perfect time for her phone to ring.

 

Beth's eyes snapped open with great effort. She fumbled around for the phone in her pocket, pulling it out to look at the caller ID:

 

_Ali <3_

Beth can't help the grin taking over her face at the sight of the name. Beth wanted to pick up. She longed to hear the sound of Alison's voice but she knew that Alison was going to grill her over the past two weeks of why Beth was ignoring her and frankly, Beth didn't have the strength for that, so she put the phone down on her lap and waited until the call ended.

 

Beth was about to fall back into another daze when her phone vibrated with an incoming message:

 

_Beth, please call back. I need to tell you something. It's important. Please. I love you. x_

 

That teeny, tiny place in her heart warmed up again and Beth was all too aware that she was grinning like an idiot upon reading the last three words of the text. Beth sighed. She really couldn't do a confrontation but maybe Alison wasn't calling for a confrontation. She did say it was important after all. Maybe it was an emergency. Maybe she might be in trouble. So Beth speed-dialed Alison's number.

 

"Hey, sorry, I just got out of a meeting. What's up, buttercup?", Beth slurred not even realising that the current time of close to midnight was too late of a time for the lie to be passable.

 

"Beth, thank God! I-I - Where are you?", Alison's voice was slightly off. Pitch higher than usual. Tone more forceful than usual. But then again, it could be the meds that were meddling with her perception, so Beth didn't think much about it.

 

"Work. Heading back home now", Beth lied. Anything to get Alison to stop asking questions. "You wanted to tell me something?", and Beth flinched in annoyance as the speaker above her sounded loudly with an announcement of the arrival of the next train. That didn't go unnoticed by Alison and she almost sprinted out of the house into her minivan.

 

"Yes. I wanted to tell you in person but I couldn't seem to get a hold of you. I assumed you were busy with work", Alison said as she pulled out of the driveway and floored the accelerator.

 

"Ah, okay. Well, it's a little late now. Should we do it some time later instead?"

 

"No, stay with me! I mean, it's just that I can't wait any longer to tell you"

 

Beth chuckled, "Okay, so what is this that you can't wait to tell me? You beat Aynsley for the lead role?"

 

"This is serious, Beth"

 

"Okay, okay. I'm all ears. Now, what is it?"

 

"I'm divorcing Donnie"

 

Beth's jaw dropped and if it was even possible, she just glitched out even more.

 

"I'm so, so, sorry"

 

"No, please don't be sorry, Beth. It wasn't you. We were already falling apart after our third year of marriage but I stupidly tried to make it work for everyone else's sake. I wanted the divorce, Beth. And he wanted it too. You did not cause this, do you understand me?"

 

Beth nodded to the phone, "Um, okay. How do you feel about it?"

 

"Relieved. Liberated. Free. But mostly glad. Glad because you're now moving in with me"

 

"Wait what? I never - "

 

"I said, _you're moving in with me_ , was I not clear enough?"

 

"Yeah, I got it but don't you think this is a little too fast? Like I didn't even - "

 

"Elizabeth Childs, _I love you_. And I'm sick and tired of sneaking and hiding around just to ask you how your day was, just to hear your voice. I'm sick and tired of only being able to kiss you in the backseat of a car or in the darkness of the basement and not in my bed where you rightfully belong. I'm sick and tired of you having to sneak in late at night as if you're doing something wrong. I'm sick and tired of having to pretend to be content with just a phone call and not seeing you for weeks on end, not knowing where you are and whether you're okay. I'm just so sick of not being able to properly be with you, do you not see, Elizabeth Childs?", Alison shrieked into the phone as she slammed on her brakes having finally made it to Huxley Station.

 

Beth closed her eyes and rubbed her temples. She definitely wasn't sober enough to properly deal with this conversation.

 

"I love you too, Alison. You know that but - "

 

"But what?", Alison spat. Her voice louder than usual, clearer than usual.

 

Beth sighed and leaned forward, elbows on her knees, hands holding her head, trying to keep it from swaying and making her feel more dizzy than she already is.

 

"It's just that… it's - it's complicated. There's just so much going on and I'm so messed up but I love you, like I really do but I don't know if I can do this anymore…", Beth didn't really know what she was saying. She also didn't really know what she was going to say. She just knew that she had already committed to the idea of offing herself and moving in with Alison was going to make it harder for her to do that and nothing was going to change the fact that that stupid psycho killer was still hot on her ass.

 

 _Fuck._ With her eyes still closed, Beth started clumsily patting at her pockets, trying to find her pills. She always had a bottle with her but she can never remember which pocket she'd keep it in. When her hand comes across the familiar shape of the bottle she can't help but feel both relieved and disgusted at herself. Relief at knowing that she didn't fuck up and forget to bring her pills and disgust at how much of a slave she has become to them. Beth fumbles around for awhile trying to fish out the bottle from the tight pocket. Her hands are shaking as she pulls them out. Just as she was about to make a move to cradle the phone with her shoulder to free her hand, the bottle is suddenly slapped away roughly from her hand.

 

It takes some time for Beth to register what had just happened and she spends a few seconds staring at her empty hand confused over the sudden disappearance of the pills. She slowly lifts her head up, only to settle upon the sight of a positively fuming Alison Hendrix. Before Beth even has a chance to say something, Alison yanks Beth up roughly and slaps her hard across the face.

 

Beth stumbles back, head spinning, clutching at her aching left cheek. She's about to ask what the hell is happening only to feel a hand connecting hard with her other cheek.

 

"Fuck, Ali. What the fuck?!"

 

Alison grabs Beth and slams her hard against a pillar.

 

"What the fuck were _you_ thinking, Beth?"

 

"What?", and Beth receives another hard slap from Alison. Before Alison can decide whether or not to have another go at Beth's face, Beth quickly grabs at Alison's wrists.

 

"Stop, stop. What are you doing?"

 

"You fucking idiot. You were going to throw away everything and suddenly leave without saying goodbye?! After all that we've been through?!", and Alison's hand jerks again wanting to have another go at Beth's face, but Beth just holds on tighter to Alison's wrists.

 

"Is that how you show that you love me?! By killing yourself?!"

 

"Ali, Ali, I can explain - ", Beth is trying to calm Alison down but Alison pushes Beth further back against the pillar making Beth lose her balance and let go of Alison. Before Beth has a chance to react, Alison grabs Beth face, pulls her towards her and kisses her hard. Beth grabs onto Alison's waist to steady herself and kisses back just as fiercely, pulling Alison impossibly closer to her, hands groping and grabbing, afraid to let go, flipping them over so that Alison was pressed against the pillar instead.

 

Alison suddenly bites down hard on Beth's lip and shoves her away. Beth looks at Alison in confusion.

 

"And the pills and the booze. Are you fucking stupid?!", and Alison is suddenly lunging towards Beth, hands hitting at any and everywhere.

 

Beth is trying to block Alison's attacks but Alison is relentless until Beth finally pushes Alison back hard into the pillar, trapping Alison with her body and holding on tight to her wrists.

 

"Ali, Ali, let me explain - ", Beth tries to calm Alison but Alison was having none of it as she struggled to break free out of Beth's grasp. So Beth just holds on to Alison tighter and presses her lips hard against Alison's. Alison tries to shove Beth back so Beth just holds onto her tighter and kisses her harder until Alison finally submits. Beth pulls back and presses her forehead against Alison's, closing her eyes, trying to not let her tears fall.

 

"I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I didn't know what else to do", Beth whispered.

 

"You should have come to me"

 

"It shouldn't have to be a problem for you as well"

 

"But it is, Beth. Why can't you see that?", and Alison raises a hand which was still being lightly gripped by Beth and traces it along Beth's jawline. "We're all involved in this. You can't do this alone. Let us help. Let _me_ help", Alison's voice drops impossibly at the last three words.

 

Alison moves her head to the side and plants a kiss near Beth's ear.

 

"It hurts when you shut me out", Alison whispers, lips brushing against the shell of Beth's ear.

 

Beth wants to just kick herself for fucking up again, but this should be about Alison now and she instead settles for kissing whatever exposed skin which was within reach to her.

 

"I'm so, so, sorry. Please forgive me", Beth whispers between her kisses.

 

Alison gently pulls free from Beth's grasp and wraps her arms around Beth in a hug. Rubbing soothing patterns on Beth's back, silently thanking whatever high forces above that Beth was safe and alive.

 

"Let's get you home, hm?", Alison whispers softly into Beth's ear and Beth just nods and lets Alison walk them back toward her minivan, an arm wrapped protectively around Beth - as if afraid that Beth was going to suddenly change her mind and run away any second.

 

\--

 

"You know, I was so afraid that I was going to lose you today", Alison was snuggled up close to Beth, an arm wrapped possessively around Beth's torso, head resting on Beth's chest, listening to the sound of the very much alive and beating heart.

 

"I'm sorry - "

 

"Ssh, you're here now. Just promise me you won't leave"

 

"I'm not going anywhere, Ali. I promise"

 

"Good"


End file.
